Okay, I’ll admit it.
This Saturday afternoon, I bought Steve Harvey’s book, Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Latoya Peterson from Racialicious can attest to this. She ran into me in Borders while I had the book in hand.
Anyways, I read the book in its entirety this weekend. And as a womanist, I felt so very inclined to write about this book as it pertains to single women of color. Before I begin: SPOILER ALERT: I will be discussing some things the book that are not fully discussed in his TV appearances, namely Oprah.
The book certainly had some gems. I found the 5 questions that each woman should ask a man before getting in too deep was very informative. I liked the fact that it affirmed what I thought I knew, but really didn’t: which is that women have more power in relationships than we are willing to admit. We can decide what the rules are and how it’s going to go. I had never been encouraged to think that way until I read this book.
I bought the book for a number of reasons. Other than wanting to see what the hype was all about, my primary reason was that I am newly single, having broken up with my man almost three months ago. I thought I’d read the book and see what kind of insight I could gain from it, since I am re-learning what it means to be single in my mid-20s.
Which brings me to the first issue I have with the book:
1. Steve Harvey’s book, in essence, is not for quarterlife women of color. It just isn’t.
When you are in the quarterlife, nothing is really final. You are still trying to figure out what you want, and what you don’t want. You are even trying to figure out what love really is, what it means, and what it does.
You’re not even entirely sure if you even want to get married and if you do get married when that will happen.
If you ARE in a relationship, you don’t even really know if your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner is The One or what it even means to find The One. I know this feeling all too well.
So when I read a chapter in the book that discusses how women should tell a man when she intends to be married (ie, the date and the time), it really does sound like bullsh*t to me. Why is that? Is it because I don’t wanna get married? No, the exact opposite. Trust me, one day I do want to be married and raise a family.
What struck me as odd was that, as a quarterlifer, I don’t even know how to broach the discussion of marriage….which frustrated me while reading the book because, well, he gave no instruction as to how the discussion should be had or when to have it. Steve Harvey literally said: “just tell a man when you wanna get married and if he really loves you he won’t flinch at it.” Come on now, Steve. don’t make it seem like it is that damn simple because it really isn’t.
As I told my friends the other day, quarterlife dating and romance means being in a constant state of maybe. Maybe we’ll go out on a date. Maybe I’ll see her at the party. Maybe he’ll make me his girlfriend. Nothing is definite. Everything is a gray area. Yes, even those of you who are boo’d up will or have experienced this in some way shape or form. And more importantly, no book by Steve Harvey will change that.
Because of this fact, I maintain the Steve Harvey’s book is not written for my generation. It is written for single Black women over 35 who have bought into the idea that there are no good Black men anymore.
Yeah, I said it.
This book plays on the idea of the “man shortage” and Black women’s anxieties over finding a good man. And while there ARE some gems in the book, over all Steve Harvey is not speaking to me as a single woman in my 20s. He is speaking to my mom’s generation, some of whom truly believe that good Black men really don’t exist. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Steve Harvey portrays independent, professional working women as women who are resentful of men who try to take care of them: taking out the trash, paying for dinner, providing for a family, etc.
…which is complete and utter bullshit. There’s no other way to put that.
As a professional womanist I was completely insulted at the idea that every independent (Black) woman out here is angry and resentful of any man who tries to take care of them by doing “manly” things: taking out the trash, paying for dinner, fixing things around the house (or getting them fixed), etc. And what does he tell women to do instead?
“Just be a lady.” A lady to him means never raising a finger if a man is in the room.
I’m sorry….are you a woman? Oh, you’re not? Because I’d rather a woman talk to me about what that means. That’s just me though.
Not only does he put every professional Black woman in a box, but he also perpetuates some very dangerous stereotypes. I like getting doors open for me. I like when I go out to restaurant with a nice guy and he offers to pay. I like when I can get my computer fixed by my guy friend/companion/boyfriend/etc. who happens to work in IT. I am as strong as they come…and I know I am not alone.
3. And lastly, maybe these relationship books really are a bunch of drivel. Or: what we don’t talk about when we talk about love.
Don’t misunderstand me here–some books I think are great. And yes, I DID buy and read He’s Just Not that Into You. And I did buy and read Steve Harvey’s latest effort. But…
What if we wrote relationship books which focused not on finding and keeping a man, but on the idea of love as a concept, as an action, and as a heart-to-heart understanding?
What if we focused on a love ethic that also tells us that in order to be ready for our mate/partner/gf/bf/jumpoff/etc. we must first love ourselves?
I threw these ideas around on Twitter this morning. @BlueMonarch made a great point: so many of us are taught that our self-worth is built on the idea of finding and keeping a man, making it hard for flipping the script and talking about self love. I couldn’t agree more.
This might be a tad radical for what we are used to when we talk about dating and relationships, but we need to start really discussing love and what it means. We need to discuss love and its madness, it’s boundless energy. Its capacity to heal, and to teach us how to be softer, gentler, more understanding. But most of all, we need to understand how loving ourselves is almost directly related to the kind of partners we meet and the standards we set for our partners.
Steve Harvey, you made a valiant effort. But you are still missing the mark.
April 6, 2009
elledub08
black girl blogging. 
15 responses to “The Only Steve Harvey Post that Matters”
Anthony C
April 6th, 2009 at 18:27
Interesting post. I can understand the disconnect you have with some of what Harvey suggests and/or the overal tone of the book. I’d stay away from dismissing it as useless for “quarterlifers” though.
One of the hugest disconnects between men/women these days is that we’ve gone away from the fundamentals of properly dating someone and “veting” them for a potentially serious relationship. Harvey utilizes alot of common sense approaches that really are a halmark of the over 40 club, but you know what? That stuff really works.
It atleast slows people down enough to think, and assess , before they move so far, and have invested so much in a person, that the thought of pulling out seems impossible.
Just my IMO.
FYI To put my comments in perspective. (I’m a married, 37yr old , man wth 4 children).
elledub08
April 6th, 2009 at 18:32
never meant to say it was useless—some really great stuff is in there. and i say that at the beginning of the post…didn’t mean to imply there was nothing in there for the quarterlife crowd lol
Anthony C
April 6th, 2009 at 19:01
LOL.. Well as a single (quarterlife) woman, you are more than entiitled to your opinion , because what he has to say directly speaks to your situation (if not your age/social bracket).
My opinion speaks more to the lack of “real” dating that I think occurs between single people now. Seriously, I say it die of when I was in my twenties. I feel bad for singles now, because it is extremely difficult to find people with sincere intentions. Thats prob why I like some of the old school stuff steve talks about in the book.
Elizabeth
April 6th, 2009 at 21:53
You rock!
Thanks for calling out Mr. Harvey for suggesting, if not fully recommending, that women should be something other than who they genuinely are in order to ‘get’ a man!
You are fully self responsible – keep loving yourself first. And yes, pacing at any stage of a relationship is enjoyable.
Cheers to you from another independent, well-educated woman
(although significantly older),
Elizabeth
eternal-llama
April 7th, 2009 at 17:10
“What if we wrote relationship books which focused not on finding and keeping a man, but on the idea of love as a concept, as an action, and as a heart-to-heart understanding?”
Assuming you haven’t read it already, you might enjoy The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.
Great post. As a single black woman in her mid twenties, I can definitely identify with what you said: “so many of us are taught that our self-worth is built on the idea of finding and keeping a man, making it hard for flipping the script and talking about self love.”
I’ve fallen into this trap far too often.
Wise/d.l. chandler
April 7th, 2009 at 19:26
Meh. I’m glad you were able to gleam something from what I found to be pretty rudimentary writing. And I don’t mean that as a compliment. Harvey’s intellect (and humor, if one can call it that) is pedestrian at best. I think the blunt and ham handed approach of advise this man is schilling to the public is both deplorable and laughable. In fact, I dare say it’s going to cause more damage than add on to the wealth of the world.
I’m sure there lies good intention in his work, but having read a good portion of it, common sense and age should lead one to these so-called “insider” revelations far easier.
Peace
elledub08
April 7th, 2009 at 20:04
elizabeth: thank you for your kind words.
eternal-llama: i will absolutely check out erich fromm. thank you for the suggestion.
wise: more damage than good? wow those are some strong words yo.
i agree though. good intentions, a few good things, but it’s really common sense.
La Blaxicana
April 9th, 2009 at 20:59
I haven’t read the book, but knowing what I do about Steve Harvey, I wasn’t in a rush to run out and buy it. I’m not surprised that there wasn’t too much for the younger crowd. There is sometimes a bit of a generational disconnect.
Anthony C: I agree with you when you say that people don’t date and vet thier potential partners as much as they should. How many people do we know that have hooked up with someone because they think that they are cute and don’t even know thier last name…. lol
elledub08
April 23rd, 2009 at 14:18
great points.
I would also like to point out that the book was, at the time 20% off….wouldn’t have paid full price and actually I’m glad I didn’t
cierra
April 16th, 2009 at 08:58
I think a lot of ppl is taking is book way out of content..just like black people a lot of yall can’t read in between the lines,I don’t believe steve is tryna put blk women down at all,the book was overall good actually the best I’ve ever read.yall have to understand he’s a blk man writting from a blk man point of view.and as far as “who wrote this crap” talking bout its for 40 sometime shyt is bogus its for all generations,if you where a steve harvey fan and a listerner of his show you would know that the strawberry letter is coming from ALL ages.
Now back to the book it teaches young generations like my self “21” what to look for,how to get it,and to know if its right. As you can see our generation are being abused and mislead by these triflin men,so all steve is tryna do is wake up ours eyes so we won’t fall back in dat same relatioship.as for me im clearly grown and know what I want im actuall dating a 37 year old. steve have taught me a lot and me and my man been going strong for almost a year with potential marriage.
So for those who can’t read or understand read tha book SLOWELY.or get hooked on fonics
Tonia F
April 18th, 2009 at 07:19
Steve harvey stated that he wrote the book based on an experience he had with one of his daughters and the young man she decided to bring home. I can see the points of the respective posts however, the world is much bigger than our own backyards. I say this because even quarterlifers are having difficulty within their relationships. In a time where people chose to disrespect one another while producing children,although the relationship is casual makes the case that common sense is lacking.
I agree with Anthony C. ,at a minumum, that the book has a list of “qualified suggestions. At most, it puts the thought in the heads of the readers to seek the information suggested to “weed out” the person that may be beautiful on the out side…not so beautiful on the inside.
Faith
April 22nd, 2009 at 01:22
And yet you bought the book. And that’s all Steve Harvey married 3 times, cheating on his wife jerk trying to tell a woman how to act wanted.
elledub08
April 23rd, 2009 at 14:16
wow, thanks for the feedback.
Faith: yes, I bought the book. Instead of passing judgment I wanted to read the book for myself.
do i think it was all a lot of BS? nope…some of it was pretty useful
that said, I do sort of wish it was written by a woman, though it _was_ co-written by one–Denene Millner is her name I believe
Tonia and Anthony: after re-visiting your comments, I understand what your saying–and that was my only point; wasn’t trying to say that the whole book was a bunch of crap necessarily….just that it is certainly both wise–AND common sense–to weed out the guys who may not be right for you necessarily.
Cierra: not sure what to say here, except for the fact that yes, 40 year old women used to be 20 year old women…but perhaps that’s who we should be learning from, and not Steve Harvey alone (who I am not convinced is a relationship expert….he’s just promoting himself as such for the moment) Besides that–I would hope that all my readers would have the ability to read and to comprehend any book, including this one 🙂
follow up post coming soon….
Sweet Potato Brown
May 7th, 2009 at 12:08
I am recently broken up (3 weeks), and I was considering buying the book for the same mix of reasons. I was in the happiest relationship of my life, but it wasn’t going anywhere. Everyone asks what I did wrong, and I know if I had posed the 5 questions, I’d never have invested any time in this man.
I’m a little older than quarter life, but even if Steve Harvey is correct about everything, I wouldn’t trade a marriage for what I have learned and enjoyed in my very active dating life (dating not sexing, btw).
After quarter life, you’ll see a lot of weak marriages dissolve. What happiness people seemed to have in their relationships was an illusion. Others, who bought the illusion, felt desperate to have what was hot. I want to be married, so I’m not bashing marriage. It is just now, as one by one my friends divorce, I see just things I believed then coming to fruition now, and it is scary how hard divorce can be.
Now, there is a flood of newly available singles, scarred and resentful, hitting the market, and they hate relationships, marriage, each other because they never knew or loved themselves or each other, they only saw each other as a means to an end.
I understand that Steve Harvey’s book is for the strategist, but people should be more reflective about why they think they want to marry. Otherwise, marriage will not bring them what they wanted, and they will hurt lots and lots of people, including themselves, for lack of self-awareness.
Every relationship isn’t for always, but that doesn’t make it a waste of time. I was with the last guy for almost 4 years. I have grown so much that I don’t even want what I used to want in a relationship.
Steve Harvey forwards those stereotypes to indicate who the book is for. If you are not those women, Steve would consider you wise, and I’d agree with Steve. It is very hard to balance privilege and humility.
We can strategize and steal our blessings, but when they come to us when we have full understanding, we can recognize and appreciate them. Some women aren’t married because they aren’t read. Though I am not married, I am not divorced. Though I have no kids, I am blessed and happy. Would I trade contentment to scour the globe when all I could ever hope to find, even through marriage and family, is contentment, which is right here in my soul?
I will read and buy the book, and your post has been the grain of salt I need to lodge in my mouth as I intake his argument.
Thank you.
SP BROWN
elledub08
May 7th, 2009 at 12:24
great points. the book does end with steve telling women to let a man know when they want to get married
and that’s cool (i guess)
but the real issue is: do we even know _why_ we want that?
how do we know if this person is “the one”?
a lot of emphasis on strategy in this book.
btw: i did ask a version of the 5 questions in my last relationship.
and that didn’t end very well.
so, there ya go.
Steve Harvey’s wisdom isn’t foolproof but it isn’t 100% bullshit either
that said, it’s no different from what my momma taught me about relationships.
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